pride is a bitter pill to swallow

Well, now that I've decided to forgive my husband's work spouse (for being so needy and intrusive) and to believe my husband that there's nothing going on, and to stop looking for evidence that there IS, I have made a surprising discovery -- it actually feels good letting go of the hurt and anger.

Even though I had privately decided upon the above course of action, I had always hesitated telling my husband -- would he take this as an admission of a big mistake of judgement on my part and lord it over me? Would he take it as licence to chat/facebook/text her with impunity? I guess deep down, nobody likes to admit that we have made a mistake in judgement, or overreacted, because we don't want to look stupid, even to those closest to us. Or to lose their respect because of that mistake.

But I also realized that to admit a mistake, one has to admit it to someone, so that we are held accountable. I had to let my husband know that I was sorry for my overreaction, and suspiciousness, and that I intended to set out on a new course. I think that apology, voiced out, would at least allow the past to rest and let us start over again.

So I said I was sorry (with my hands over my eyes because I couldn't stand to look at him). He said there was nothing to be sorry for ( I dunno, was he being bitter or resigned?) I didn't reply, but in my head I was thinking, this thing has nearly destroyed us both.

He's having a dinner party for some of his closest work friends sometime in the next few weeks. Yesterday I suggested he invite her as well. I really don't know if he was surprised; but he seemed hesitant - was I really sure about this? After all, I had in the past said I would never allow her in the house. But he'd think about it.

Apparently not for very long, because a few minutes later he told me he'd invited her and she'd accepted. Oh man, this is what I mean by being held accountable. It's easy to pretend to myself that I've forgiven her and all that, but without telling him and initiating some action towards that end, those would just be empty words.

Pride is the bitterest pill to swallow -- self-justification, after all, helps to protect one's self-esteem. To dismantle that facade that has been building up over months is a crushing blow to the ego, and leaves one feeling so vulnerable. But one can also think of it as a kind of detoxification -- getting rid of the bitterness that would otherwise accumulate, choke up and poison our very selves and our relationships. I know I felt that poison creeping into our relationship -- an insidious suspicion, disbelief and doubt that was the unvoiced answer to every question, the silent comment after every sentence.

"It is better to lose one's pride in front of the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of useless pride." (Source unknown). I'm convinced that this is absolutely true, but at the same time, devilishly difficult to do.