Well, now that I've decided to forgive my husband's work spouse (for being so needy and intrusive) and to believe my husband that there's nothing going on, and to stop looking for evidence that there IS, I have made a surprising discovery -- it actually feels good letting go of the hurt and anger.
Even though I had privately decided upon the above course of action, I had always hesitated telling my husband -- would he take this as an admission of a big mistake of judgement on my part and lord it over me? Would he take it as licence to chat/facebook/text her with impunity? I guess deep down, nobody likes to admit that we have made a mistake in judgement, or overreacted, because we don't want to look stupid, even to those closest to us. Or to lose their respect because of that mistake.
But I also realized that to admit a mistake, one has to admit it to someone, so that we are held accountable. I had to let my husband know that I was sorry for my overreaction, and suspiciousness, and that I intended to set out on a new course. I think that apology, voiced out, would at least allow the past to rest and let us start over again.
So I said I was sorry (with my hands over my eyes because I couldn't stand to look at him). He said there was nothing to be sorry for ( I dunno, was he being bitter or resigned?) I didn't reply, but in my head I was thinking, this thing has nearly destroyed us both.
He's having a dinner party for some of his closest work friends sometime in the next few weeks. Yesterday I suggested he invite her as well. I really don't know if he was surprised; but he seemed hesitant - was I really sure about this? After all, I had in the past said I would never allow her in the house. But he'd think about it.
Apparently not for very long, because a few minutes later he told me he'd invited her and she'd accepted. Oh man, this is what I mean by being held accountable. It's easy to pretend to myself that I've forgiven her and all that, but without telling him and initiating some action towards that end, those would just be empty words.
Pride is the bitterest pill to swallow -- self-justification, after all, helps to protect one's self-esteem. To dismantle that facade that has been building up over months is a crushing blow to the ego, and leaves one feeling so vulnerable. But one can also think of it as a kind of detoxification -- getting rid of the bitterness that would otherwise accumulate, choke up and poison our very selves and our relationships. I know I felt that poison creeping into our relationship -- an insidious suspicion, disbelief and doubt that was the unvoiced answer to every question, the silent comment after every sentence.
"It is better to lose one's pride in front of the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of useless pride." (Source unknown). I'm convinced that this is absolutely true, but at the same time, devilishly difficult to do.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
sliding down a spiral
I have been reading a book -- Mistakes were made (but not by me) by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson. Though both are highly-respected psychologists, the book is written in a delightful, entertaining manner, without sacrificing evidence of academic research.
The book tells why people make mistakes, but refuse to own up to them. Often, it is not that they are outright liars, but that they are self-justifying; i.e., they believe the "reason" that they cook up. Why do people self-justify? Well, the authors propose that when a person takes on a course of action that is controversial (or dissonant) to what they originally believe, it creates a source of tension or anxiety within them. This is called "cognitive dissonance". The only way to damp down the dissonance is to justify the action. So, for example, you smoke, but you know that smoking's bad for your health. So you justify it by saying," well, it's only five sticks a day" or "only when I've had a really bad day".
Come to think of it, this happens to us a lot of times. A husband might give the new girl at the office a lift home every night, and think to himself that it's ok because " it's on the way home for me anyway, it would be selfish to let her wait at the bus stop!" Which, of course, is a perfectly good, understandable reason, cos it shows he is a caring colleague, and makes him feel better about doing it.
The trouble comes when we start to buy into our self-justifications; because we are wired to believe more deeply in things we want to believe -- this the authors call "confirmation bias". So, when we take the next step of self-justification, it often goes further and further along the direction that we set out for ourselves.
The reason why this book resonated with me was that I recognized many of the self-justifications that my husband put up in our quarrelling over his work spouse, and also, quite shamefully, I admit, I found many of these in the way I thought and acted over the past six months. Believing that she must have a crush on him, or vice versa, I discounted evidence to the contrary (eg., he would take time to go swimming with the kids and I, tell me about his day -- with her included), and started looking for clues to bolster my belief (e.g., he's only having lunch with me cos she's not free today, he would only tell me an edited version of what he did that day). Soon I found myself falling down a spiral of suspicion -- and became increasingly disbelieving of everything he said or did.
It's not easy to climb out of the spiral. I think identifying that I was falling down a spiral was one step -- but getting out of it is quite another. I try and tell myself to have a balanced view -- but I can feel myself sliding down the darn spiral again as soon as some dissonant information comes to light -- like, why does she keep texting him after work, even though she's rotated out of their office? (Official reason -- she's having a bad time adjusting and her parent was ill at the same time. Voice of the devil on my shoulder -- cos she can't let go and he's feeding her dependency by returning her messages!)
I wonder if anyone out there has identified going through this in their lives?
The book tells why people make mistakes, but refuse to own up to them. Often, it is not that they are outright liars, but that they are self-justifying; i.e., they believe the "reason" that they cook up. Why do people self-justify? Well, the authors propose that when a person takes on a course of action that is controversial (or dissonant) to what they originally believe, it creates a source of tension or anxiety within them. This is called "cognitive dissonance". The only way to damp down the dissonance is to justify the action. So, for example, you smoke, but you know that smoking's bad for your health. So you justify it by saying," well, it's only five sticks a day" or "only when I've had a really bad day".
Come to think of it, this happens to us a lot of times. A husband might give the new girl at the office a lift home every night, and think to himself that it's ok because " it's on the way home for me anyway, it would be selfish to let her wait at the bus stop!" Which, of course, is a perfectly good, understandable reason, cos it shows he is a caring colleague, and makes him feel better about doing it.
The trouble comes when we start to buy into our self-justifications; because we are wired to believe more deeply in things we want to believe -- this the authors call "confirmation bias". So, when we take the next step of self-justification, it often goes further and further along the direction that we set out for ourselves.
The reason why this book resonated with me was that I recognized many of the self-justifications that my husband put up in our quarrelling over his work spouse, and also, quite shamefully, I admit, I found many of these in the way I thought and acted over the past six months. Believing that she must have a crush on him, or vice versa, I discounted evidence to the contrary (eg., he would take time to go swimming with the kids and I, tell me about his day -- with her included), and started looking for clues to bolster my belief (e.g., he's only having lunch with me cos she's not free today, he would only tell me an edited version of what he did that day). Soon I found myself falling down a spiral of suspicion -- and became increasingly disbelieving of everything he said or did.
It's not easy to climb out of the spiral. I think identifying that I was falling down a spiral was one step -- but getting out of it is quite another. I try and tell myself to have a balanced view -- but I can feel myself sliding down the darn spiral again as soon as some dissonant information comes to light -- like, why does she keep texting him after work, even though she's rotated out of their office? (Official reason -- she's having a bad time adjusting and her parent was ill at the same time. Voice of the devil on my shoulder -- cos she can't let go and he's feeding her dependency by returning her messages!)
I wonder if anyone out there has identified going through this in their lives?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)