love is like an old t shirt

So my husband said to me yesterday that he has been taking me for granted. Because I run the household, the children, and basically everything else in his life, he has been free to concentrate on his career and whatever else his work holds for him. And because he has let me go on autopilot, he has not checked with me how I'm feeling, or what my needs were. So basically that freed up his time and energy to spend with colleagues and work.

Some old magazine article I read before said that a familiar love is like an old t shirt -- it's ratty but you feel absolutely at home in it. Perhaps I'm a bit like that. The analogy is meant to imply that love should be comforting and you shouldn't have to itch and pull, but strangely I feel like the t shirt that you don't even notice.

minds of men and women

I wish I could say that I've put the whole suspicion about my husband's work spouse behind me. After all, I do believe that he is an honourable man. I believe that he will not indulge in any infidelity that would destroy our marriage and wreck his career.

That said, what worried me no end, was that he did not believe that there was such a thing as emotional infidelity. I tried to introduce him to the concept that inappropriate emotional closeness was a risk factor for emotional infidelity, which in turn led to the slippery slope towards physical, full-blown infidelity. Nope, he said, then how could men and women ever be friends? Well, I said, do you remember that that was exactly how WE started, by being good friends? I think his insistence that his friendship with her remain was one of the key factors which made me so upset -- because it indicated that his friendship with this woman was important enough to keep, despite knowing his wife's discomfort. He says that I have no right to control who his friends are; while I insist that surely my feelings are more important than an ordinary friendship, unless......? We are at an impasse here.

The second thing which aroused even greater suspicion was the lack of transparency. He actually thought that by keeping the phone on silent mode, and answering messages while I happened to be out of the room, was a good idea. And he would omit details of what they did (eg., breakfast, lunches out etc) or leave out her name when telling me about the people he went out with. To him, I would only get upset whenever he mentioned her or when I knew that she called again, so it was best to keep me in the dark. All I had to do was to trust that he wouldn't ever do anything wrong. To this, I could only say, huh?! I think that "don't ask, don't tell" is a potent breeding ground for suspicion. And to think that this man has even more postgraduate degrees than I.

For a while we have become mired in a circle of defensive accusations -- "you're so suspicious, it would be worse if you knew", "if you were just friends you wouldn't feel a need to hide it from me". And both of us feel equally wronged by the other. Do men and women really think so differently that we fail to find common ground on this issue?

PS: Thank you, f8hasit, for becoming my very first follower. I think one of the reasons why I started writing this blog was to find out what other people thought about this whole thing -- whether I was really a nutcase for believing something was wrong.

taking things into my own hands

Hello, you remember the work spouse who wouldn't stay at work? Well, even after my husband gently hinted that he was busy at home and on weekends, with the kids (and a wife who wouldn't let him off the hook when it came to housework), sometimes I felt that she was not open to receiving hints. Strange how someone could text something like "Sorry, can you talk?" at night even after having been told the above -- unless it was some sort of crisis. And for that, I told my husband, surely she had her own support group of equally single and entanglement-free friends.

And she seemed to have some sort of emotional crisis every other week -- family, work, friends..... I think it was at this point that my patience ran out. I take pride in not being a particularly needy person, and am not the sort of wife who calls her husband up a few times at work each day. So it felt rather unfair that while I resisted calling him up just to chat, and tried to resolve problems on my own at home, this girl seemed to have no compunction about unloading her problems onto my husband -- at work and afterwards.

It came to a point where I would jump every time the phone beeped (incoming text message), thinking it would be her. One day, after messaging that my husband was "so sweet" (not to her - it was for something generous he did at work) and should have called her when he went in to work that weekend (since she was there too), I replied that " Yes, I know I married a good man."

You would think that there would have been a shocked silence after that. For me, it was a giddy mixture of defiant elation (at having declared my presence) and trepidation (what if my husband got angry that I was being so obviously curt?) the moment I hit the "send" button. Instead after a few seconds, there was a confused and giggly reply that my husband needed more sleep since he was sending gibberish. Good grief! I wondered when and if the truth would finally dawn on her!

I think revelation must have finally come sometime that weekend, because there were no more messages for the next two days. She did ask my husband the next Monday, if things were alright at home. Being Asian, of course he replied that things were ok but just a bit busy at home so kids and wife would really like his attention so....... She said she found me really scary and wouldn't call him at home UNLESS necessary. (insert a sceptical Hmmmmm) She probably thinks my poor husband married a really bitchy woman.

My husband had asked me before, if he could invite her over to our church group meeting (we meet regularly every week), seeing that she feels there is no meaning in life, save for work (a common enough sentiment in modern Singapore). At this time, I really don't have an answer. I would like to be unselfish and say yes, but at the same time I feel outraged over the anxiety and hurt that she has caused me this past five months (although she was oblivious to it). They're still the best of buddies at work -- I have no doubt, and I still have the weekly emotional meltdown over her.

But -- and it almost shames me to admit this -- striking that one blow to assert my presence and annoyance brought me some measure of resolution, and a somewhat savage satisfaction.

the work spouse who refuses to stay at work

My husband is a wonderful man and we've had 12 really good years together (and counting!). But in the last five months or so, I came to realize that he had acquired, of all things, a work spouse. Now, mind you, having a work spouse nowadays is nothing uncommon; in fact surveys have uncovered that up to a quarter of people at work have admitted to having a work spouse -- someone they are close to at work, someone they can share their frustrations and joys with, and have lunch and tea breaks with.

Come to think of it, I had work spouses when I was at work too. It made work less onerous, made lunchtime and breaks something to look forward to, and I knew I had someone to call in favours to, if needed.

So, what's the big deal with my husband having one now, you might ask?

Well, first of all, his work spouse plain refused to stay at work. I am probably being more socially conservative but I truly believe that most people have a life after work, which does NOT include people FROM work. I would really try never to call or text my work spouse after work, unless there was some dire emergency (like the time there was a horrible lab accident in the night and I was the only one there.) And especially since some days he turned up at work with hickeys all over his neck ( he lived with his girlfriend.)

So I was especially discomfited with this girl (she is several years my husband's junior) started texting him every day after work -- few times right after coming home, in the night, and also on weekends. To be fair, my husband did show me the messages .Some of it was work-related, but some were about what she was doing, what she had just done -- it felt like a Twitter feed, only directed at him. I really wondered if she felt that there should be some work-home boundaries (or even junior staff - boss boundaries). Surely she realized that this was a married man with two kids and a wife -- and if they would see each other at work (breakfast, lunch and/or tea as well), why on earth couldn't it wait?

Unfortunately my dear husband felt it was just a case of being friendly and that the new generation of 20-somethings communicated with each other 24/7 through electronic media, at work or not. And since he was her buddy/agony aunt/ mentor at work, he felt bad brushing her off at home.

I think this was the point at which alarm bells went off in my head, and I felt emotionally blind-sided. I thought I had made a logical, reasonable argument for maintaining work-home/ mentor-supervisee boundaries, and instead felt I was laughed at for being insecure and oversensitive. It was strange, feeling somewhat betrayed for the first time by a man who I had known for more than half my life, because he did not take my side on something which I clearly felt very strongly about, and felt had reasonable objection to. I have always prided myself in not (or trying not to) indulge in hysterics, and so, for him to remain unmoved and unconvinced that there was a real problem here, dealt a real blow to a) my presentation skills, and b) my emotional core.

I have mentioned that this blog can only be maintained in the little pockets of free time I have while minding everybody's schedule -- well, my eight-year old's about to wake up now. Time to get things started -- homework, hanging up laundry (should be done by now) and making breakfast for him. It's a long story, anyway, I have five months (and counting down to the last three weeks now.... she'll be rotated out) of wildly swinging between "no, I trust him and nothing's happening of course" and "then why is he so protective of her?"

pillar to post, hither and thither, helter skelter -- life as a support staff

I have come to realize -- and hopefully, in due time, will accept -- that my schedule revolves around that of my family. I will be free for lunch if both kids happen to have after-school classes that day; I can make it for a dinner appointment if my husband does not have any work/social engagements AND can make it in time to get my son home from school.....

Once I signed up for a course that took up Wednesday evenings for a whole month. After making sure dinner was already cooked, after reminding everybody to help Daddy clean up, I still faced a barrage of protests by the time next Wednesday came around. Needless to say, I never tried it again, although I probably should -- if anything, it would at least remind them what Mummy does for them everyday!

I anticipated that being a stay-at-home mother would involve supporting everybody's schedule, but some days it seems as if my life is to be lived in the pockets wedged between everybody's timetables. So writing this blog will be an interesting experiment -- who knows, something creative and fruitful could come from these oddly-timed, here-and-there snatches of freedom, much like some plants spring, growing lustily even, from cracks in the pavement.

Photo credit - Alex Brollo